Therapy, etc.

I had my first therapy appointment yesterday, at least my first in about a year. I think I like this doctor better than the last. The last one only wanted to talk to my boyfriend, which was helpful, but not really my problem. This doctor was older and male, which I think makes a difference. He wanted to talk about my roommates, which still isn't what truly bothers me right now. But I suppose that dealing with my roommates is an easier task, since I can more easily articulate what's going on with that.

I'm not just unhappy with my living situation, my school, or lack of friends on campus. I fell restless and trapped in nearly every aspect of my life. The only reason I haven't dropped out of school is that I'd rather be a college graduate who can't find a "real" job than a college drop-out who "squandered all her chances."

I do think that if I were happier with my living situation, I could possibly feel better about staying at school for two more years. I have a friend who offered to let me move in with her, and I would if I weren't essentially required to live on campus next year. I can still move out of my suite and into another this year, but I feel like that would likely land me in a worse situation. Instead of living in a place where I'm pretty sure two out of three people don't really care to become/remain friends with me and the other only bothers when we're hanging out alone together, I could end up with drunken slobs for roommates.

I feel like I still have a chance of salvaging some sort of amicable relationship with these three people. I think I can do that for another year or so. That might be the last time I see any of them, realistically. That's preferable to moving out and then awkwardly running into them somewhere on campus.

I mentioned to my therapist about how Roommate I Don't Really Know and I were talking about how I feel regarding them. The "I don't really feel like I'm welcome to hangout with you guys" conversation. She said it was because I got a new boyfriend and new friends last year and stopped hanging out with them, and now that the boyfriend and new friends are gone, I apparently only want to hang out with them out of convenience. I explained to her that it's hard to balance having new friends (read: more interesting, less embarrassing friends who don't have farting contests) with old friends.

RIDRK went on to say that "they" (because although she and I were the only people present, she continually used "we") knew I was unhappy and didn't want to be there anymore, which I think they misinterpreted as the apartment (half-true) instead of what I meant, which is school itself. What they overheard me saying on the phone to my parents and best friend apparently offended them. But I thought that if they could overhear enough to listen in on private phone conversations, then they also should have heard every time I broke down in my room.

None of them ever asked me about those times.

After the therapy session, I realized I have a few options:

1. Move into a different suite in the building. This is going to be my last resort, honestly.
2. Continue living with them without caring if we're actually friends or just people who live together. I don't have many friends on campus, but the ones I do have are better people to be around than the ones I'm currently living with. I can sleep and shower in my apartment, but do my homework and eat meals elsewhere. And although I don't come home for many weekends, I can spend my weekends in Charlotte or with other friends.
3. I can try to present myself to them in a more pleasant, open light. I know I don't help the situation by going days without speaking to them or by coming in and going straight to my room, where I close and often lock the door. If my efforts aren't acknowledged or matched, I can move on to options 1 and 2.

Next week I have an appointment with an MD to discuss my sleep disturbances (I can't fall asleep easily, I don't stay asleep, and I can't stay awake during the day), appetite (I went all weekend without eating much, and then on Monday I ate an entire pizza), and suddenly worse vision (I've been seeing things like they're in slow motion, or my vision just randomly blurs). A friend of mine also pointed out that I have a really low pulse, 48 by her count.