List of Ways to Guarantee You Won't Get Laid

Okay, okay. So the text message I mentioned in this post actually happened to be a quote from a tv show my boyfriend was watching at the time he sent it to me (Google confirmed it). Maybe I wouldn't have freaked out about if I hadn't already seen equally creepy messages from him first thing in the morning.

But...here's the list.

1. Tell me you want to get laid/get some ass. Use any vulgar terms, and you're not getting any.
2. Spit on the sidewalk in front of me.
3. Be rude to the waitress/service clerk at any restaurant or store.
4. Talk shit about your ex.
5. Treat your mother disrespectfully.
6. Ask to do things only porn stars or prostitutes would ever consent to.
7. Ask me when are we going to "do it."
8. Pop the collar on your polo shirt any day other than April 1 or October 31.
9. Drive like an idiot with me in the car.
10. Refer to any woman as a bitch, ho, whore, slut, or skank outside of a joking context.

Annndddd, the list of reasons why I should have ever dumped/dropped someone.

1. Not being able to spell my name. Brittany. It's not that fucking hard.
2. Whining, "You don't wear the necklace I bought you. You don't love me anymore."
3. Stomping away and crying because of something I said. Let's be clear, I'm talking about a guy here.
4. Wearing his sister's pants/underwear and not because he didn't have any clean clothes.
5. Riding around downtown yelling the N word from an open car window.
6. Cheating on me/changing his story about cheating on an ex.
7. "I really care about you. I'm just not sure if I should be with you. I like women who are more assertive and more politically oriented." When he was the one who "decided" we were in a relationship.
8. And because I have faults too...having a major crush on, say, his best friend.
9. "Oh man, your sister is hot!"
10. Making out with the guy from my high school who fucked a cake.

But, fellas, you still have some luck. Here's how you can increase your chances of sealing the deal.

1. Mention, "I was reading _______, and I thought _______."
2. Write stories. I almost don't care if they're shit.
3. Have some clean space for my feet in your car.
4. Shower daily, or at least smell like you do.
5. Not have a Southern accent. Bonus points if it's a British accent.
6. Have some combination of these three: facial hair, glasses, dark hair.
   
7. Play an instrument, preferably well.
8. And if you can sing, too, well...
9. Be a nice, kind person. Act like you care about the people around you, that you care about yourself. There isn't anything more attractive than someone who is generally a good person.
10. Be able to take a joke, and a mean-spirited one at that.