Goodbye, Facebook Quotes

"Free speech is the right to yell 'theater' in a crowded fire."

"You look so cute when your gag is swearing."

"Reality and I are getting a divorce on the grounds of spousal abuse."

Get off Facebook.
But I'm stalking!
I don't care. I'm going to stalk your ass into bed!

"Oh yay. Now I have my bank statement, just in case I didn't know how broke I was."

"Usually when people look dead, they're sleeping."

"What is this? Narnia the X-rated edition?"

"The best remedy for PMS is chocolate and a Quentin Tarantino film."

"If you call it a johnson, don't put it anywhere near me."

"Existential atheist minimalist."

"That sounds like something Jack the Ripper would tweet. I don't know why he would be tweeting, but he's crazy, so it doesn't matter."

"Creeper peeper."

"Jesus Christ, Brittany, you suck at standing."

"I could throw garbage at you to simulate the experience."

"That slit is up to heaven!"

"Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others and the delight in the recognition."

"Hell is other people."

"You have the hair of someone who would go to a Renaissance festival."

Fried macaroni and cheese? That's not Renaissance food. Renaissance food would be like...a rat on stick.
--The mac n cheese was on a stick...

"I'm not touching you, I'm beating you!"

"I just thought he was shiny."

"Britney Spears, the whitetrash millionare."

"You walked in the room, and you smiled that smile. I was doomed, it hit me so hard. Some things are dead and buried, but you, you stay with me."

"Only dogs chase bones!"

"One broken nail and a fight with a bicycle later, I'm on the way."

"Is that a bucket of shit?"

"I consider seriousness outside school or the workplace criminal."

His ass is cute.
-- His literal ass is cute too.
TAP THAT ASS.

"If you drink this fast enough, you can't taste the cough syrup."

"Bring me back a pony!"

"I told you to pull behind the van. We look more legit that way."

"I'm going to be old enough to drink in four hours, but all I want to do is play on this playground."

"Why, yes, I am a tall, thin black man."

"You have no idea how bad I wished I was a boy just then."

"I could always do better, but better ain't trying to do me."

"You must ninja his brain to get his pants off."

"You're all just measuring your literary dicks."

"I mostly flirt with men by throwing things at them and insulting them. No wonder they don't like me."

"I don't care if God calls, I'm very, very busy."
- Vanilla Sky

"Fuck me gently with a chainsaw."
- Heathers

"Hey, I know it's a longshot, but nothing says his girlfriend won't go out in the woods and get tragically mauled by bears."

"I feel like this highway is nothing but peaches, rugs, and porn."

"All I ever wanted to see was just invisible to me."
- The Church, "Invisible"

"It's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst."
- American Beauty

"Once you've been driven off a bridge at 80 miles an hour, somehow you don't invite happiness in without a full body search."
- Vanilla Sky

"But I just think good things will happen, if you are a good person with a good attitude, don't you think?"
- Vanilla Sky

"Because without the bitter, baby, the sweet ain't as sweet."
- Vanilla Sky

"I have mach-4 thunder-thighs."

"Does it look like a small torch?"

"Show me what a douche bag looks like so I can sleep."

"I'll smell you with my ears."

"Dude, your phone is on the bathroom floor."

"Don't put me in your fantasies. I don't even like being in your real life."

"SWF seeking Husband. I cook. I clean. I make intelligent conversation & I'm DTF. Children optional."